Here's My "I'm Turning 25 Soon And Also My Mom's 15th Death Anniversary Is Soon" Coping Plan

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Has your body ever felt something before your mind clued you in? This is where you would have found me last Tuesday. 

I was sitting on my bed, staring at my calendar, trying to get it to speak to me. I felt really sad, there was a numbness to me that felt familiar and foreign all at once. Since then the numbness has turned into a persistent poke. 

You see, if you're new to the blog/my life, you may not know this, but I lost my mom when I was 10 years old. It'll be 15 years this coming January and last Tuesday when I was sitting on my bed, trying to catch up with my body, I realized that it's been 15 years since she went into the hospital. 

It was the beginning of Fall, I was decorating a sign for Halloween, and she told me she'd be back soon. Soon turned into a visit to the hospital two months into her stay there that then turned into a 15 year journey of trying to figure out how to be a daughter without a mom who is alive, how to be a girl who grew into woman by spying on how others did it. 

My season of a sad undercurrent has started and to some extent there's very little I could do about (some of) it. The holidays will come and I'll feel a poke. Death anniversaries will follow shortly after and I'll take those a minute at a time. 

My body will feel them inch towards me in ways that I can't fight off. Think of it as the flu, one that presents no symptoms other than deep flashbacks. 

Those days will come, whether I want them to or not, and so instead, I'm choosing where there's still room left for me to choose. 

I turn 25 in a little over a month and I'm approaching the next year with a mentality that I hope sticks around. I'm choosing happy even if sad is bound to make an appearance every now and then. 

I'm giving myself permission to be happy in between the days that I know will be sad. To make it better, I'm inviting others into that. 

The next three months will hopefully bring some really fun, meaningful moments to life for me and I'm planning on sharing them here and on my Instagram. 

It sucks that come January I'll know what it is to have a mom who passed 15 years ago, but I refuse to let the 15 years of growth that have happened in my life since 2003 be lost in the mix.