She's An Army


"On the front line she's a statue, a safe place to run to
The strength I need to get through every day"

There are Valentine’s Day chocolate covered strawberries in my fridge. When I walk from my kitchen to my room, there’s a mess in my room that’s waiting for me to pick it up. On the desk, there’s a journal, that has notes on my life, letters to my future, prayers to any higher power that wants to listen to me. 

I make my way to the bathroom. I stand hands on the sink, eyes staring directly into my soul. One day, a eulogy will read, here was a woman who knew how to fight for all she loved and who left no stone unturned when it came to her happiness. Because here is a woman who is exploring the depths of her faith and figuring out what it’s anchored in. A woman who in the midst of emptiness only sees what she can create from the nothingness. She measures her words because they weigh, especially for those who know her, those who know that no period is a mistake. She measures her actions because she knows she doesn't exist in a vacuum. She holds hearts and takes care of them because she knows she has the power to hurt them, it is her responsibility to not. 

I look in the mirror and I see strength. I see a woman who has been through more than the world thought she could handle and still comes out putting her dukes up, smiling, and laughing. She’s seen the lowering of caskets, the panic attacks that brought her loved one to fetal position with zero breaths left. She’s held hands, squeezed palms, synchronized breathing to bring them back down to earth. 

She’s grounded herself so that she doesn’t lose track of her purpose, so that in the midst of trying times those around her know that she can anchor them just as much as she can root herself to the cement. 

She is exploring the depths of her own individuality and sexuality. She is tenderness and pure heat. She is slow kisses on porch swings. She is sensuality and class, wrapped in one. 

She is navigating through unchartered waters when it comes to her career. She is deciding what comes next, whether it’s the next step on committed love, whether it’s herself, whether it’s a lease or a plane ticket. She is making decisions for herself just because she fucking can. 

She’s an army. 

Her people? They would follow her into war zones. The truth behind that statement didn’t come easy. She has stories. She’ll tell them to you if you ask. They involve late nights answering texts because relationship issues don’t know a bedtime. They involve care packages when the worst of life had hit and a plane ticket couldn’t be bought. They involve nights on couches playing Mario Kart and wondering where they both went next. 

They involve showing up. They involve respect. They involve acknowledging everyone's humanity. They involve not thinking she's better than anyone else, but knowing that her own gifts are uniquely hers. 

She’s looked into eyes that have held passion for her, navigated through the surface, and seen the fear of abandonment that they're anchored in. She’s reassured, encouraged, shown that staying love is all she offers and all she wants in return. She won’t settle for anything less. Cards on the table, face up.

She has nothing to hide. If you look at her, you know her spirit. If you read her words, you know her heart. If you listen to her speak, you know her soul. If you ask, you’ll know her secrets. If you notice, you'll see her strength. If you choose, she's the best place to come home to. Ask her people. 

She’s a force to be reckoned with, as most women are. They rally for those they love. They show up when showing up is the last thing they wanted to do that night. They cry for others more than they cry for themselves. They know how to love well and what being loved well means. Because they know what it is to not be loved well, to be emotionally abused, to have negligent love, to settle for less than what they deserved. They’re not perfect and that’s what makes each of them an army. Because through the trenches of their mistakes they’ve turned into the strongest beacons of their lives. They know their worth. I know my worth. 

She’s an army. 

She is me.