What Are You Doing With Your Hours?

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“We takin’ shots right now..this is the life that we chose” 

For about two weeks now I’ve been using my calendar as a to-do list. I add in my tasks, estimate how long I think the task will take, and then add a “DONE” to it once it’s finished. The practice led to a huge realization — I am the owner of so many hours in a day, why haven’t I been more protective of them?

Each hour in some small or big way contributes to the life that I want and I’ve been so careless. I spent too many minutes thinking about what other people thought of my personal life decisions. I squandered too many of my hours worrying about what it would say of me to show up in my feels and not enough hours congratulating myself for even having feelings.

My legs were propped up on the seat in front of me in the back of the bus and I reminded myself that this was what taking a step back from my life felt like. I took the bus when I could have taken the train. I turned on “Do Not Disturb” on my phone and only answered texts in quick spurts when I felt like it. I was unavailable to everyone because I needed to figure out what it meant to be available to myself again. 

We have such a problem with being protective of our time and the energies we let into our lives, even though those actions are the difference makers in whether we make it through the harder seasons alive. I’ve spent the last 119 days investing in friendships and relationships that make sense to the person I am right now. 

Not the person I was. Not the person others want me to be. The only people in my life right now accept that growth is inevitable and worthy of being encouraged and celebrated. 

Bravery shows up if we give it space to, pour it a cup of orange juice, and let it change our lives. Lately there’s always a gallon of oj in the fridge. Sometimes, it’s mixed with champagne and a straw bought at Target because that’s what someone who grew up fearing she would continue the cycle of alcohol abuse can do when she’s grounded in herself, free, and surrounded by friends who are sisters and won’t let her fall. 

I don’t have everything figured out, but I figured out I’m the owner of my hours and of where they go and that feels like more than enough right now. I got off the bus when it felt right, treated myself to a few new outfits, and then walked. 

I know how to write from places of pain, but that’s not all I am, it’s never been. I just know that place well and know that somehow writing about it makes me, and hopefully someone else, feel less alone. I’m a newbie though, when it comes to writing from a place of trusting myself and the process I’m in as deeply as I can now. 

Welcome to the next chapter of my life. 

I’m looking forward to the stories we’ll write together.