Going Places Only My Intuition Can Take Me

 Image Credit: Dylan Spitz

Image Credit: Dylan Spitz

“Sometimes it's hard, you carry on. But I hear a voice singing and I know it's true”

The guy towered over me and sandwiched between the subway door and his blue raincoat. Accurate description of the rock and hard place I’ve found myself in more than once lately. 

I made a habit out of searching for a hand to hold at 3am. Fingers under the covers, fingers intertwined. 

I broke the habit a long time ago of thinking about what my mom would say about particular situations.

I think I broke the wrong habit. 

My cognac boots are coupled with my coat as the only pieces of color I’m wearing today. The rest is all black, less mourning, more morning. Celebration of life by way of celebrating New York’s finest tradition, an all black outfit to remind you that you are in fact every bit as beautiful and bright as you think you are. The black defines sexiness and serves as the blank canvas to let you and your personality shine. No adornments needed. 

My cheeks are covered in Tarte’s Amazonian blush, my fingers text my friend a reply - what’s standing in your way, though, other than you?

We ignore our intuition so often. Yesterday, I counted 10 times when I didn’t trust my inner voice and tried to rationalize my gut out of...having a gut feeling. The exchange rate on this manipulation is just way too high though — for every time that I try to talk myself out of trusting my intuition, simply because it makes me uncomfortable and challenges me to be more myself, I end up being more of the version of me that others want me to be and less myself. I disown myself and buy stock in someone else, someone who is rooted in everything but herself. 

I had to learn this lesson the hard way. These last few months have found me down on my knees, looking into mirrors that couldn’t show me my own reflection, and afraid to stand tall in my own heart. Those moments pushed me to face a simple truth — my mom was spiritual and her predilection for the spiritual is something I found present and grounding in someone else I love very much. 

To be able to trust in what’s beyond reality, it must make magicians out of mere mortals.

I found myself needing to be my own magician because while I love that they both trusted my gut blindly, I didn’t and I needed to be able to do the same for myself. 

I’m out of the train and the rain is turning my beach waves into city drowned curls. Tides, they change so quickly and with them comes the increased confidence in myself and the feelings I have. Becoming more anchored gives us the space and strength to revisit the past without being haunted by it.

One of the few memories I have with my mom is when her and I found ourselves in a dead end street in Brooklyn staring at a statue of the Virgin Mary. I was seven at the time. 17 years later, when I was walking from the apartment where I fell in love to the train that had taken me to and from so many times, I looked to my left and saw the same dead end street. It took me months to make the connection between her and us — a subtle nod on her part to me being in the right place and holding the right hand at the right moment. 

I didn’t acknowledge how those two moments overlapped because to sit with the truth months ago would have meant that I would have needed to release control and trust blindly in the fact that I had ended up here by no power of my own. I was just…here. Gratefully, here. 

Sometimes we take disqualifying ourselves from experiences to the next level and end up editing ourselves down to oblivion just so that we can confidently say we do not, should not, will not trust ourselves. Because, we are not worthy. Because, we are not able. Because, we cannot protect ourselves. Because because because. 

This season has been the biggest bet on myself. I’m relearning how to show up in my own vulnerability and that my loving says more about me than it does about anyone else. There are parts of me that I had been shying away from and the more I come into them, the less I cringe when my gut tells me to walk a specific way. Trusting myself has been the antidote to feeling unworthy and stuck.

I’ve been scared to be vulnerable and to stand up in my own heart. I’m afraid of having pain inflicted on me and in an effort to self-protect I end up self-punishing. I end up in a standstill, up against the train door and the guy’s blue raincoat, wondering why I only got a few hours of sleep, but knowing exactly why I only got a few hours of sleep. 

Rational thought cannot explain literally anything that sits on my heart right now. I should’ve been miles away, but instead, here I am. The gut feeling that brought me here has been less a heavy weight and more a welcomed companion the longer we walk hand in hand. 

It’ll be 3am again soon. I know why I’ll be up. My intuition wakes me up.